It’s been 20 years since I last saw you, well, spoke to you. Apparently you held me when I was 7 months old, the one and only time.
Well, I guess I just wanted to write this down, somewhere. The only memory I have of you is when I was 5, I saw you in the garden of some woman’s house, playing with another little girl, I shouted hello, stood there and waved, and you didn’t even look up, didn’t even acknowledge me, which even then, stung.
I’ll never forget my final day of primary school either, when that woman came up to me with that huge grin on her face, laughing oddly when she said ‘You know, you’re daddy lives with me and your best friend.’
I ran home and asked my mum what that meant, and I was told how you lived with the girl who had been my best friend throughout school, and that I was never allowed round to her house because that’s where you lived. That still kills me now, cause I never spoke to her again, not only did I realise you had lived right around the corner from me my entire life, but I lost my best friend. I hated her, because she had MY daddy.
But I’ve come to realise, the only person I hate, is you.
You’ve made trusting any man a challenge, I don’t know how to, because I never had anyone to show me. Throughout high school, I used to see so many dads dropping their kids off, kissing them on the cheek before waving them off, and it made me so mad, what did I ever do to deserve feeling like I wasn’t good enough for you to be my hero?
Even now, 21 years later, I wonder what it would have been like to come home and have you there, to have had someone to look up to, actually, that’s not fair on my brothers, they were the three best father figures I could have wished for, they taught me everything you should have, they told me they loved me every time I went to sleep, when I got hurt they were there to clean up the cuts, kiss my knee better when I fell over, taught me to play football, taught me to ride my bike, whenever I was sad, one of them was always there to put a smile back on my face, they were 100 times the man you could ever be, and I’m so thankful for that, because they showed me not all men are insignificant.
The only thing they could never change for me was the feeling of abandonment, because they never did, they were always there, they were always willing to be my heroes.
I guess this will be the only letter I ever write you, I just wanted to say, I don’t hate you anymore, I don’t wish you were here, because I have no need for you. I became the person I am now without you, I’m fulfilling my lifelong dream of living in America without you. I just hope I can find a man who can be the hero his kids deserve, without you.
Your Little Girl (The one you didn’t think was worthy)